My Home Life was founded on research gathered in 2007 and published as My Home Life: Quality of Life in Care Homes.

The findings established a Framework listing 8 themes that still underpin the work of My Home Life today. One of those themes was Facilitating Transitions.

“Having a loved one move into a care home can be a tough and painful experience for everyone. This is clearly a major transition.” Care Home Manager.

This is my very personal account of supporting my mother-in-law to move into a care home.

I had known Flo for over 50 years and we always got on well despite the fact that I had married her beloved only son. He and I had supported her to move into her own sheltered accommodation flat after she was widowed and as she turned 80. She settled in quickly, making friends easily and often supporting others through their later life health problems. She had a few of her own and her mobility was slowly being compromised by osteo arthritis.

Shortly before her 92nd birthday Mum had a series of falls in her flat. We knew that her memory was not what it was and that she was not eating very well. It took some doing but we persuaded her to have 2 weeks respite care in a care home that I knew well. She quickly made friends with other residents and carers described her as a joy to be with as she was such a happy character. We managed to reorganise the flat to be a safer environment and put a care package in place of 2 home visits a day.

On returning home she said she had enjoyed her stay but wouldn’t make it permanent. Later in the year we persuaded her to have another 2 weeks stay while we had a holiday. She was now losing weight, declining the carers meal offers and I had finally approached the GP for a Memory Clinic Assessment. This time, on returning to her flat, she mooted the idea of a permanent move into the care home. She realised that she had come alive in the home as she had company when she wanted it but her own room to retreat to which was important to her. Knowing that the value of her property would not sustain the care home fees for very long we started the tortuous process of talking to the local Social Services. Our saving grace was the appointment of a brilliant Social Worker who helped us navigate the paperwork.

Fate overtook us as, early one morning, we had the dreaded phone call. Mum had been on the floor all night. The x-ray in A&E showed a serious complex fracture of her femur. She was admitted and 48 hours later had a surgical manipulation to try and make her comfortable. Major surgery followed and within a week the Doctors declared her fit for discharge. She was never going to walk again so a permanent move into the care home was the obvious answer. Our major challenge then was dealing with the Discharge Team. By the time I was able to persuade the team to listen to us about where she could move to, helped only by a major intervention from our Social Worker, Mum had been in hospital for over a month.
She had gone from being a fun filled but rather confused character into a shell of her former self. I had visited as often as I could to support her, but the complete lack of stimulation and social engagement had stolen her spirit and severely diminished her abilities. I couldn’t get her out of there fast enough.

The care home welcomed her back with open arms. Within days the love and care she was shown had bought her back to her old self. The care staff couldn’t do enough to make her comfortable, the Well Being team got to know her likes and dislikes and took her along to something every day – apart from bingo sessions which she never enjoyed! That Christmas we managed a family day at her favourite grandson’s house and made memories that we all cherish.

Three months later for her 93rd birthday we arranged a private meal in the Garden Room with both of us and her best friend. We were thoroughly spoilt by everyone and the catering team couldn’t have done better if we had been royalty.

A couple of weeks later a nurse called to say they had requested an ambulance as she was not well, and they suspected an infection but were not sure. I joined her in A&E again and tried to help as endless attempts were made to get blood samples. She was admitted with a chest infection and put on oxygen. A week later as she slipped back into a very subdued state, I had a discussion with a nurse that could be best described as politely assertive. I questioned what they were achieving that could not be done in the care home. She had been flat out in bed, surviving on the ice cream that I helped her to eat. I managed to get her discharged that night. She was overjoyed to be going ‘home’ – her words not mine.

That was on a Thursday. We went to the home on Sunday to find her up and dressed, sitting in her favourite chair with the colour back in her cheeks. We chatted happily for an hour and a half and left with smiles all round. The care team were delighted to have her back saying they missed her laugh and rather wicked sense of humour.

The phone call on Tuesday morning was completely unexpected. Flo had enjoyed a wash, got dressed and was sitting in her chair with her favourite porridge in front of her. 10 minutes later when the carer returned she had passed away. We were stunned and, on reflection, delighted that she had died at ‘home’ with her favourite carers around her. She had only been a resident for 4 months but she had made a big impact. Countless staff told us their favourite anecdotes, many shed tears and we felt that she could not have asked for a better end to her long life.

I have worked in the care sector for many years and spent time in hundreds of care homes. I was better placed than most to know how to support Flo and to understand that she could have a great quality of life in a care home. What I had heard of, but never properly appreciated, was how poorly equipped hospitals are for dealing with older people living with dementia. Given that very soon we will have a million people living with dementia I hope that the NHS can look to the care sector to learn better how to support them.

Sylvie Silver MBE
My Home Life Trustee